For some reason these past few days I'm really feeling like Satan is trying to get me down. I'm feeling weary and tired and just want to be my normal, happy-go-lucky self again. Sometimes I feel like I can't fully be myself on my blog and write about the things that are truly bothering me or getting me down, in fear of hurting peoples feelings, sounding negative/ungrateful, etc...
I'm tired of....
Feeling like I constantly need to fix people, to make everyone else happy.
Feeling like I always have to be in total and complete control over every situation, sometimes I wish I could just let it go and know things will still turn out OK.
Feeling emotional, but not wanting to let it out in front of anyone so I don't have to say "I don't even know why I'm crying" when someone asks me.
Feeling this constant elephant in the room about the future of our careers. Praying that my husband makes it through the winter without getting laid off for a few weeks/months, and praying that I can once again be at full capacity to help out in case a lay off is in the cards for us.
Feeling like I owe certain people a chance at forgiveness but knowing my hurt was or has been so great from them, that I'm not sure I can ever let it go.
Feelings responsible when things don't turn out as planned, something goes awry, or my children make bad choices that I can't control (they're only 7 and 2 here people so its nothing catastrophic).
At the same time that I'm thinking I'm tired, I have to remind myself that God has blessed me with so much and that I should be lucky that I'm allowed to feel tired about some of these things. Some people would give anything to have to worry about making sure the bills are set up online to be paid on time because that would mean they have the money to pay the bills. To worry about getting kids to certain places on time because that would mean they have a vehicle and gas in that vehicle to actually go places, or even have kids to take places for that matter.
I went to see the movie 'The Blind Side' with my mom last night and I am not sure I can even fully put into words what that movie meant to me. I cried at points in that movie that weren't even sad, because I couldn't help but think about the real Michael Oher and all the struggles that he faced in his young life. Seeing that movie definitely made an impact on me, and my heart.
I cried as I kept thinking back to the sermon at church today and how at the end of it, the Pastor started talking about ways he would like to see our congregation give over these next few weeks and approaching Holidays. I kept thinking about how abundantly blessed I am and how sometimes I act ungrateful or careless about the things I should be rejoicing for. I sobbed the entire way home from the movie in my car, alone, thinking about the need in this world and what myself and my family can do to help in whatever way we can. I thought about skipping Christmas for my kids this year to make it a more enjoyable Christmas for someone who has NOTHING; my children have so much, they want for nothing and have everything. My mind kept going back to the movie thinking of kids that have no home what so ever, about children who will be spending their Thanksgiving and Christmas with their parent or parents in the mission, hoping its not full so they have a warm place to sleep. They probably don't even make Christmas lists because they know that no one will be able to provide those things for them.
Yesterday after church on our way out, we were handed a list of items that the Rescue Mission needs for the approaching holidays. Things on this list were as simple as socks, underwear, clothes for adults and children, toys, simple household items like towels, toasters, coffee pots, etc... I am making it a personal goal for my Black Friday shopping that I will purchase these things for people in need instead of toys that my children don't need and won't play with. I will buy toasters, coffee pots, towels, socks, underwear and canned goods and deliver them to the people who truly need kindness and compassion because I feel called to do so.
Each year my in laws prepare 40 shoe box size tupperware containers, to be sent overseas to chosen countries to help children in need. They pack into those boxes everyday items such as tooth brushes, toothpaste, small toys, books, cards and games and much more, for the simple reason that they feel lead to do that. I've seen my own father donate a big screen TV to my church for the youth to use, without batting an eye. I've read blogs of people who have gone on mission trips and helped people come to know Jesus as their personal savior. Who have taken a backpack full of necessities to their sponsored child who has nothing and lives in a one bedroom home with dirt floors, no running water, with 12 siblings and a single mother. I am in no way wealthy beyond words, but I do live in a 2 income home and feel like I can give more than I do! I will still probably cave and buy my daughters a few things for Christmas, but I will be OK with it knowing that I am going to help out people less fortunate as well.
I'm sorry this post is all over the place. I feel like my mind was going 100 mph while I was writing, it happens! What are YOU going to do over the holiday season to make an impact? Do you have a tradition you try to keep up with on a yearly basis? Please share with me if so!