The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. Psalm 34:17
I've refrained from blogging about this topic multiple times out of respect for my family, but this is MY blog, and MY outlet, so today, I'm going to let it all out. I'm not really one to air the dirty laundry, so I'll try to keep this brief and to the point. Wish me luck, here goes nothin' (but maybe a call or two from my parents).
My sister has been struggling with alcoholism for several years now (I have deleted and retyped that sentence probably 15 times now). We have all dealt with it in different ways. I have taken the path of stepping away from the situation, and removing myself all together. I have become cold towards her, and continue to remain that way to this day. I have not spoken to her in over 4 years. She does not know my children, she does not know ME. Every time I think about her not knowing my kids, it kills me. It is my own doing in a way, I have voiced my opinion SEVERAL times to my parents that I do not want her calling me, or anywhere near my children. My parents know where I stand, and respect my opinion to the fullest, and I appreciate that.
My sister has traveled all over for the past few years, settling here and there, but never really calling one particular place 'home.' I will not go into too much detail, other than saying, she is currently back in my hometown, and living with my mom. This has been causing a huge rift between my mom and I, and I'm really hurting over it. How do I not feel betrayed and act like a child when I feel like I have been given the boot for someone who doesn't necessarily deserve it? Make me sound selfish? Yes I know. My mom has the rule that she is not allowed to drink while she is there, and says that my sister is sober currently. I hope that is true! I'm being completely honest, and raw when I say these things. I am closer to all of my best girlfriends than I am my own sister. My girls call my best friends their 'aunts' and my sister in law as well (who is their real aunt, duh).
I am sitting here in a pool of tears, listening to Christian songs that tell me I should be a better person, be more like God, accept that this is His will, but this is the one situation in my life where I feel totally out of control, and I can't stand it! If you know me in real life, you know I am a control freak by nature, and want everything to always be sunshine and roses. I realize that life will not always be that way, trust me. No one is perfect, and certainly this is a less than desirable situation, that I still can't believe I'm even getting into on my blog. I think it might be what I need though to close this chapter and move on.
I know that everyone deserves a second chance in life, this is where my need of finding contentment comes in. I feel like she has been given multiple chances with our family, and always ends up hurting people in the end. I pray that changes this time. I pray that my mom will not be hurt by this situation, and I pray that my relationship with my mom will no longer suffer, that I will be able to accept the things I cannot change and move on from it. My mom is very adamant that she will not allow me to push her away, that she will show up at my door step daily if that's what she needs to do, to prove that she still loves me and cares about me just as much as my sister. I feel like I have been the one here picking up the pieces as my sister has destroyed them, for so long. I don't know why I feel so hurt by all of this? I feel like a child whose best friend just said she didn't want to be my friend anymore, dramatic much?
I want nothing but the best for my sister, but my resentment towards her gets in the way of my judgment sometimes. This is my real life, this is my new normal, while she is here, and there is not a darn thing I can do about it.
...For the LORD sees every heart and knows every plan and thought. If you seek him, you will find him. 1 Chronicles 28:9