Thursday, March 10, 2011

Contentment

That word is proving to be my arch nemesis these past few weeks. Maybe if I say this verse over and over in my head, it will help?

The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.  Psalm 34:17


I've refrained from blogging about this topic multiple times out of respect for my family, but this is MY blog, and MY outlet, so today, I'm going to let it all out. I'm not really one to air the dirty laundry, so I'll try to keep this brief and to the point. Wish me luck, here goes nothin' (but maybe a call or two from my parents). 


My sister has been struggling with alcoholism for several years now (I have deleted and retyped that sentence probably 15 times now). We have all dealt with it in different ways. I have taken the path of stepping away from the situation, and removing myself all together. I have become cold towards her, and continue to remain that way to this day. I have not spoken to her in over 4 years. She does not know my children, she does not know ME. Every time I think about her not knowing my kids, it kills me. It is my own doing in a way, I have voiced my opinion SEVERAL times to my parents that I do not want her calling me, or anywhere near my children. My parents know where I stand, and respect my opinion to the fullest, and I appreciate that.


My sister has traveled all over for the past few years, settling here and there, but never really calling one particular place 'home.' I will not go into too much detail, other than saying, she is currently back in my hometown, and living with my mom. This has been causing a huge rift between my mom and I, and I'm really hurting over it. How do I not feel betrayed and act like a child when I feel like I have been given the boot for someone who doesn't necessarily deserve it? Make me sound selfish? Yes I know. My mom has the rule that she is not allowed to drink while she is there, and says that my sister is sober currently. I hope that is true! I'm being completely honest, and raw when I say these things. I am closer to all of my best girlfriends than I am my own sister. My girls call my best friends their 'aunts' and my sister in law as well (who is their real aunt, duh). 

I am sitting here in a pool of tears, listening to Christian songs that tell me I should be a better person, be more like God, accept that this is His will, but this is the one situation in my life where I feel totally out of control, and I can't stand it! If you know me in real life, you know I am a control freak by nature, and want everything to always be sunshine and roses. I realize that life will not always be that way, trust me. No one is perfect, and certainly this is a less than desirable situation, that I still can't believe I'm even getting into on my blog. I think it might be what I need though to close this chapter and move on.


I know that everyone deserves a second chance in life, this is where my need of finding contentment comes in. I feel like she has been given multiple chances with our family, and always ends up hurting people in the end. I pray that changes this time. I pray that my mom will not be hurt by this situation, and I pray that my relationship with my mom will no longer suffer, that I will be able to accept the things I cannot change and move on from it. My mom is very adamant that she will not allow me to push her away, that she will show up at my door step daily if that's what she needs to do, to prove that she still loves me and cares about me just as much as my sister. I feel like I have been the one here picking up the pieces as my sister has destroyed them, for so long. I don't know why I feel so hurt by all of this? I feel like a child whose best friend just said she didn't want to be my friend anymore, dramatic much? 


I want nothing but the best for my sister, but my resentment towards her gets in the way of my judgment sometimes. This is my real life, this is my new normal, while she is here, and there is not a darn thing I can do about it. 


...For the LORD sees every heart and knows every plan and thought. If you seek him, you will find him. 1 Chronicles 28:9

20 comments:

MrsV said...

Oh girl, you have me crying right now. More people than you realize are faced with this similar situation every day. Many just keep it to themselves. Bless your heart for opening up and releasing it. You will find more support than you know! I have had similar struggles with members of Chris' family, and you know I'm just as much of control freak/rainbows & roses girl myself! We need to chat =) Control only what you can, and pray for the rest to turn out alright!

Love ya girl!

Jamie

http://noplacelikehome-votaw.blogspot.com/

Lindsi said...

Oh, sweet friend, I will be in prayer for you and your family!

All families have "dirty laundry" to some extent. I don't see anything wrong with the decision you made to distance yourself from the situation. Adult's are allowed to have boundries--it's perfectly healthy in relationships.

I will pray for healing in your heart, so that you can be at peace with the situation. I'll also pray for the relationship of you and your mom! I can imagine her heart is aching too.

I hope you find encouragement in the comments from your blog readers--thanks for sharing your heart! :)

Aly @ Analyze This said...

I know that this was SO tough for you to write today. We've talked about this in the past - and I feel your pain. When you cry, I cry.

I'm sorry to hear that your relationship with your Mom has suffered because of her. :(

I don't know what else to say to you. I think words, other than telling you I am SO sorry you are dealing with this, are pretty useless. But I'm here for you day or night. And always :)

Angie said...

Wow...I struggle with family issues in a very similar way. Some of the details are different though. I have chosen to distance myself from the drama. Somedays I am ok with it, and other days I struggle so bad. I am the peacemaker of the family and I can't change the situtation, so I stick my head in the sand.

Since becoming a mom a look at things so differently. When you were explaining the situation I thought of my kids. My mom chose to turn her back on my brother as still doesn't talk to him to this day (i do tho.) Anyway, I won't do that to my kids. I thought of your mom and how sad I'm sure she is that y'all are going through this, but she is mothering your sister trying to help.

You have to do what you can to protect YOUR kids, just like your mom is trying to protect you and your sister.

I'll be praying for you. I hope my jibberish made some sense. Hugs!

Lindsey said...

Molly - you are such a strong person to write this post. i know that it couldn't have been easy and to hit the publish button had to be the hardest part.
you are a strong confident person, and you are so lucky to have such a strong support group to turn to when you need something.
keep your head up and the Lord will pull you through your bumps and bruises along the way. hopefully your mom is right and that she is sober and she is making a turn for the best, however its hard to watch someone with a dependency problem continue to downward spiral and not accept help that others have tried again and again to offer to them!

please know that if you EVER need an unbiased ear i am only a phone call away!
you and your family will be in my prayers to get through this "rocky" patch! xoxo

Ashley said...

Tears are streaming down my face as I read this at work. I just want to come over a give you a big hug!(be prepared after I get off work...don't worry I'm not sick anymore) I know that this has been heavy on your hear lately and I think that you have handled it with such grace. I believe that I would do the exact some thing if I was put in a similar situation. You are such a beautiful friend, mom and woman of God! I feel so lucky and grateful to have you in my life.
Love you!

Chelsey said...

Oh Moll Doll,

I know where you are coming from but mine is a little different. My father chose drugs, alcohol and a "free" lifestyle over his 5 children. He was in and out of our lives when I was younger and then finally just disappeared. I haven't seen or heard from him for like 16 years. I struggle with the same judgment/contentment that you do. See, he abandoned 5 children but then decided to have another with his new wife. My sister, who I have never met, is now almost 12 years old. I ask myself all the time, why does he want to keep her but didn't want US? And then I think of my kids and nieces and nephews. He has NO IDEA he is a grandfather. If he decided to come back in my life, I don't know how I would react. Like you, I want to protect my family from someone like that. You are justified, just as I am, in your feelings and actions. Don't feel guilty because of what someone else has done. You are doing what is right for your feelings and your family. If you need to talk, just call me! Loves!

Rebekah said...

I am so sorry that this is going on. I don't have any words except that I'll be praying for you and everyone involved. That God will give you some peace over this. I'm sorry your relationship with your mom isn't what it used to be at the moment and I'll be praying that it improves!

Miss Southern Vol said...

Ohh goodness- you poor thing. I feel for you soo much. I know exactly what it is like to have hardship within your family. I deal with it daily it seems. You HAVE to stay true to yourself and your family and do whats best for you. I would feel hurt too, but Im sure your mom is trying to do what is best, and even through the circumstances she is still her daughter too! Im always here for you if you need me:)

Tracy said...

Oh Sis! I know this was so hard for you to write but SO NECESSARY! Blogging can be such an outlet and you are right..THIS IS YOUR BLOG!!! You aren't being dramatic, you aren't being childish...you are being REAL! I pray that you do find contentment within yourself and that you and your Mom can continue to have a good relationship (Although I know that HAS TO be hard for you!!) I love you girl...love that your little chicas look at us as a 2nd family. Love you girl!! Keep on a prayin!!

Heather said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Heather said...

Molly, I know writing this is one of the hardest things you've ever done. I know the struggles you've had with her and how it has affected you and Gerrad. I know you don't want to hear all the psychobabble stuff, but just remember the definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. It's a terrible situation for everyone involved. I just hope someday she will WANT sobriety and WANT a 'normal' relationship with her family, including my beautiful nieces. (Who deserve two aunties who love and cherish them!) Pray, and pray, and pray that God will touch her heart someday! I love you guys and you know I'm always here if you need to talk!!

Emily said...

I cannot imagine how hard it was for you to write that. I hope that it was some therapy to get it out, to put it into words and share it with all of us. I pray that you find comfort in this situation and that your relationship with your mom doesn't suffer for very long. You are a strong woman and can get through this Molly!

Katie said...

Molly, I admire your honesty and while sunshines and roses are very fun things to blog about..this is real life and I appreciate you sharing it. I'm sorry for what you are going through...I am much like you after reading this post and I wish you the best. I do want to tell you as a girl who lost her mom cherish every moment you have with her and don't let this come between your relationship :) it's not worth it. xoxo

Katie

Becca said...

Oh Molly, I just hate that you are feeling like this right now. Drama sucks. Family drama sucks even more. Family are the people that you are supposed to be able to turn to NO MATTER WHAT and unfortunately, that's not always the case. I don't really know what you say, other than, I hope things get better... whether that means you beginning a new relationship with your sister or coming to peace with the fact that there will never be one.

I also hate that this is causing friction between you and your mom. I will pray that that relationship is healed. Hugs, friend. I'm hear if you need to talk!

Amber said...

Molly, kudos for airing your "dirty laundry" - we all have it, and don't be ashamed for writing about it! Like you said, this is your outlet.. write about what YOU want. It feels good to let it out sometimes. We all want what's "normal" and I'm so sorry to hear about your sister, and the relationship with your mom. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers, sweet girl! <3

Mrs. Stethoscope said...

I saw that you had written on stilletos and diapers that you also made a jewelry pciture frame. but with chicken wire... how do you do that I would love to do ti that way.. with a baby about to crawl it scares me having the pins

O and Im a new follower

Kelly said...

Ohhh, Molly :-( I KNOW just how you feel as I have someone in my family who battles with alcoholism as well. I've been the one who steps in picks up the pieces, feels bad for what I haven't done to make it better, etc. Finally I removed myself a bit and realized that I need to protect myself and my family and who is important to me. I can't imagine if it were my sister. I'm really thinking about you and hoping it all gets better. You're doing the right thing though-- protecting yourself, the girls, and G.

Molly said...

That is so so hard. You are perfectly normal for feeling hurt. Know that you are in my prayers. xoxo

Deb said...

This is a very hard situation. You are very brave to be so vulnerable. I can see God is stirring your heart. I will pray as He brings you to mind. If you haven't, read "the prodigal god". Or you can download Tim Keller's Prodigal God sermon series (6 I think) for free. I can't count the times I've listened in the last two years. Changed my life. Seriously.