Thursday, October 15, 2009

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

"For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb" Psalm 139:13-14

It is the National Day of Miscarriage and Infant Loss so I thought I would write a little something on this topic. For SO many women this is so real to them, the feeling of miscarrying a child or losing an infant... so heartbreaking and so real.
Gerrad and I decided in the summer of '06 that we were going to try to have another baby, around the time that Macie turned 4. We knew by the time we got pregnant and had a baby that the girls would be about 5 years apart which is exactly what we wanted. We started trying in July of '06 and became pregnant late September '06, it seems like yesterday when I took the test and saw 2 lines. I had no hesitations about making our first appointment as I never imagined in a million years that anything would go wrong since my pregnancy with Macie was perfect, I guess no one ever expects or thinks these things will happen to them.

I had all the normal pregnancy symptoms... sore breasts, nausea and vomiting, etc... I made it to my 10 week appointment without any issues and was SO thankful. I went to the restroom before my appointment and noticed quite a bit of blood, I stayed calm and went back into the waiting room until my name was called. As soon as I got into the exam room I explained to the nurse what had happened and she quickly went and got the PA that I was seeing. She did a pelvic exam and saw the blood, took a swab of it and then tried to listen for the heartbeat... with no avail. (To preface this appointment, Gerrad had been working out of town and I assured him he didn't need to go with me and that it was the first appointment that was pretty quick and routine and there was NO need for him to miss work to accompany me, I'd been through all this before remember. I also turned down my mother who offered, and my sister and mother in law I believe as well... I was certain it would be fine and I didn't need anyone with me). She immediately ordered a sonogram and I quickly found out that I had miscarried the baby. The ultrasound tech was not allowed to give me an 'official' diagnosis but could at least tell me that I miscarried. I had to wait for a Dr to get into the office for about an hour and a half. I called Gerrad right away, he was stranded with no way to get home but was able to figure something out ASAP, until then my mom and dad both came and sat with me at the Dr's office until I could get the 'official' news from a Dr. By far the longest 1 1/2 hrs of my life, hands down!

I ended up needing to have a D&C done that weekend. I was SO emotional and just couldn't understand why this would be happening to us. You immediately start blaming yourself when you find this has happened, its almost a given. I heard so many people say 'I've been where you're at, etc, etc....' For some reason that didn't make me feel better. I appreciated everyone sharing their stories with me but that didn't make me pregnant again; that didn't allow me to have my baby back in my womb. My own mother and mother in law shared many words of encouragement with me that have stuck with me to this day and I think a lot of that is what got me through.

The pain healed in time and we got the OK from our Dr to start trying for another baby again. We got pregnant with Addaline very quickly after miscarrying. I was SO grateful, blessed, on cloud 9, terrified, cautious, worried... you name the emotion, I felt it! Everything obviously turned out great with Addaline and she is now our precious miracle baby. Gerrad and I made the agreement after the miscarriage that we would give it 1 more try and if it didn't happen for us, we would know that it was not meant to be and was not part of God's plan for us. Neither of us could fathom feeling such pain and heartache twice in a row. God definitely knew what he was doing with the overall situation. There were so many things that worked out perfectly with the timing of Miss Addaline's arrival; I see it all so clearly now looking back.

This is a day to remember the loss of a baby whether it was in utero, birth or of an infant. Please say a prayer for all the women out there who have been struggling with infertility and are so badly wanting a child of their own. For all the mothers and fathers who have lost babies during birth, to SIDS shortly after, health problems, etc...

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him" (I Samuel 1:27)

"Behold, children are a gift of the Lord" (Psalm 127:3)

"Every good and perfect gift is from above" (James 1:17)


Heather said...

I love this, Molly and am so sorry for your loss and all the other miscarriages and deaths that women have suffered. Even though I have had infertility, I never had a miscarriage, and I thank the Lord for my two perfect babies!! :)

Impulsive Addict said...

I am sad about your loss. I know the feeling well. I've lost 4. =( I blamed myself every single time even though I know it wasn't really my fault. I just felt like I needed it to be someone's fault.